Why won't you tell me what's inside yr head?

The topic turned to Switzerland the other night at the Holiday cookie party at our friends house. Folks were talking about Zurich and all I could do was transport myself back to Lucerne. I was 18 and it was like the prettiest place I had ever seen. It was like the Barbie dream house and gingerbread men and Snow White all rolled up in a place so far away from home I could do anything I wanted and the world spun round with angular momentum like the fancy Swiss watches in the storefront windows.

I bought a ring there from a fancy little shop and it was super expensive to me at that stage in my life. It was large and silver and I wore it everyday until the Spring day I married Joe. It reminded me of how free I felt and following bliss and such other things.

As I cleaned my bedroom yesterday I found the silver Lucerne ring in my jewelry box. I picked it up and fingered it and put it on. It stopped mid knuckle. A wave of annoyance hit me of course because you want to think that some parts of yr body can remain slim and tidy-but no- even my hands have aged and put on weight. Damn.

I sat down on my bed and held that ring. It's no secret that this year has been a year of looking back for me. It think it is a bit of the novel I am writing that has pushed me back to my historical self and caused me some grief. I think I have started to see mortality and it ain't pretty. I sat on that bed and I held that ring and squeezed it and let myself go back to a time I was so free that I cared about no one really. I was like a toddler with my egocentric views then and as much as I think about how great those days were and how skinny my fingers were and how gorgeous my surroundings were- nothing beats the fact that my fat hands get to wrap themselves around three boys named Joe, Finn, and Blaise.

I wanna take them to Lucerne someday.
I want to stand in the old town square and set my watch to the happiest time in my life.

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photos via luzern.org