every street light reveals a picture in reverse/still it's so much clearer

back on the parenting table is the refresher course I am giving myself.

I should have studied this a bit more this early morning. I should have practiced. It is like I was either born without the filter mechanism or as I grew- I really never learned all of the proper ways to deal with large emotions, so even now I tend to be stunted when it comes to waves of feelings. I always act out, so how can I expect my child to do different? I think I need to start slowly again. I think I must walk around the house and announce my feelings to the masses.
"Mommy is feeling angry right now and she feels red"
"Mommy is feeling all sad and she might need to cry"
I mean, isn't this what makes parents different. There must be parents who feel defeated and just give up...and then there are parents who might try and better themselves in the process of trial and error. I keep messing up and I keep trying and it is hard to know the way with the lack of learning curves ahead. I guess I just want to allow my kids to feel and not have to agree with them. I just want to model better behavior. I just want to try and learn right along with them to deal with yr emotional self before you try and communicate and rationalize. I just need to keep it in my mind that the keystone of all of this is my love and it is good enough, it just needs a tweak. It just needs a little calibration to purr.