If you'll be my bodyguard I can be your long lost pal

People climb Mt. Everest.

This blows my head off as I can't even get my paper piles sorted neatly on my desk.

I can't climb ladders without tears.

I let myself down on a weekly basis with goal setting plans.

I am certain that it must involve some sort of awakening in the soul to make big life altering choices like flying around the world to climb the mountain that kills so many people. But people climb mountains and do so many great extraordinary things. People push fear down into their old toes every single day.

My life seems ordinary. 

My son and I are both obsessed with documentaries. We search netflix like miners for the next great documentary or nature program or historical exploration that will spin us around on our old red sofa. We look at each other with our identical mouths hanging open like ding dongs. I like that we share this habit. He asked me after watching a program on Mt. Everest, if I thought that it was amazing that people climbed mountains. I told him yes and that someday he could climb a mountain if he wanted. He told me that I could climb a mountain too. He told me that I was not too old to do hard things. He said there were lots of old men on the show, way older than me. I smiled and tousled his bright flash bomb blond hair and fell back into the blanket pile with him. 

Inside of his mind there is still a fire that burns brighter than all the moons of the whole universe. 

He is not yet afraid of this world.

Not so much. 

It's like how we don't really start to feel old until we have children- something to gauge life against.

It's wonderful that he does not fear the future. He is open to it and he desires it. 

I am in constant state of wondering at what precise moment I lost that feeling. 

I feel crazy, always telling the children to not be afraid.

Halloween is coming and I will have to tell them that it is all pretend. 

I will have to tell them to not be scared of the spooky sounds

and sights and that we all bob our heads in the apple bucket for fun.

Boo!

We all laugh. 

I feel crazy being this person who leads them through the fear.

through the world

through the fear

Because that is all I ever am.

Afraid.

The youngest climber of Mt. Everest was 13-year-old Jordan Romero

The oldest climber of Mt. Everest was 76-year-old Min Bahadur Sherchan.

I encourage myself to weave a new suit of invincible skin from the above facts.

I encourage all of us to put away just a thimble full of fear today.

I know that I am not the only one.

I know you live out there too.

What is your mountain?

photo source

Comments

[Capt. Lizardo]

This is well written. You are still brave. Pick something extraordinary and make a map to get there. You know you've got it in you. I'm gonna go and bob my head in the apple bucket.

[Leigh]

oh.. i am ruled by fear... it's something i'm desperately trying to break free from... fear of failure is what has held me back so much in life... it's a tough habit to break... being fearful... it's hard to trust yourself enough to be brave.

[Gayla]

We all have different fears for different reasons. A few brave souls can climb Mt. Everest, but I wonder if they are afraid of things that are commonplace to me... things I don't even think about for a second. And maybe they can climb a real mountain, but I wonder if the figurative mountains I have climbed would scare them senseless?

[Christine Francoeur]

Amy, fear is my greatest enemy! Am constantly looking for ways out of the predictable, safe habits I have. I've been going to acupuncture the past 2 months - once a week and it's totally helped me get out of my rut!

[Mary Beth]

The fear goes away a little as you age.
And, I can ASSURE you, being a GOOD MOTHER is the hardest HARDEST thing you will ever do. So, there's THAT you are already conquering!
I enjoyed listening to you at TheCreativeConnection.

My motto: Creativity is the Freedom From Fear.

[V-Grrrl @ Compost Studios]

What do I fear? The implications of my lack of financial independence.

[The lil bee]

I know just what you mean. When did we change? When did the fear creep in? I hope my daughters can hold onto the innocent freedom and fearlessness they possess right now, too. A fearlessness with a caveat for bad things like driving in fast cars and giving in to pressure of any kind. Some fear was already present in me when I learned how to ski at age 12, but not enough to keep me from going down the steepest slopes. I think that balance of abandon and caution shifts more toward the lame side as we get older and understand risk. I'm following your lead today and remembering to believe that I will one day write my book. That is my Everest, my ski slope of fear that gets steeper as more time goes by. I take comfort in knowing that writing a book was once your Mount Everest, too. xo

[sarah jane]

Amazing and insightful amy! I wonder the same things. The things I say to my children, and then the things I am really saying to myself!

SO glad I reacquainted myself with your blog after we met at TCC. You are a deep soul, and I think that sometimes the deepest souls, while wise, are also very aware. aware of it ALL. thus, fear. But you have incredible joy amy! It just comes with the territory. you can't have one without the other.

xoxo

[Kate Coveny Hood]

My mountain? Is me. I've finally come to realize that it's time to reinvent myself - find some direction and purpose that doesn't involve the three small people in my house who will one day be big and not on my house. An the limitations of time, money and youth (who IS that crone in the mirror?) knock me flat with fear of failure. Also of futility and just too late to the partyness. I know it's cowardly to hide behind all of that, but I've never been one for making a bold leap into the unknown. Even those first few years when I was a working mother, I just had a "job" - nothing meaningful or fulfilling. And now that I really HAVE to figure this out, all of my high school insecurity rushes in.

This sounds like a lot of complaining - bit it's really just rambling. You made me think. And I just came back to this comment after sitting with those thoughts. So instead of more rambling here - I may take it to my own blog. I think better through writing anyway. Thanks Amy! You always me feel like I can accomplish things.

[Elizabeth]

Oh, this is so powerful, Amy. I see this with my boys and myself, too.

This post felt really vulnerable, which was very moving. Maybe I'm just projecting, but I guess that doesn't really matter. The nice thing about art is that we all get to take away whatever we will from it.

thank you for sharing here.

[Rushia]

Fear is something I have been paralyzed by in the past. For me, growing up in a church that was very fear based in theology, I can honestly say I don't remember a time I didn't fear, even as a child. Even my parents believed that fear of God, fear of parents, fear of mistakes was a healthy view of life, even biblical.

I am so incredibly grateful that has less of a hold on me in general than it use to. Yet, it's still there and where it may count most: fear of being really known and thus unloveable, fear of my darkest corners of my heart and what they mean...that type of stuff. I've always been pretty crazy in that I take risks, love adventure, etc. Though Mt Everest would never be on my list cause, well, it's a big damn mountain for one and I'd never make it! :)

But seriously, I really related to the part about guiding your kids through fear/being afraid while you yourself experience fear and being afraid about things. Recently, Ive been doing this with my teen girl a lot; trying to convince her she is beautiful and lovable and wonderful, just like she is, right now. All the while, not being so sure about that of myself.

So this is a great post I really relate to due to where I am personally in this area and my 5 month quest so far to fear less, love more... risk more emotionally in relationships, be willing to be real and take a chance at really being known. That's in the emotional realm of things though.

But, I think fear, in a general way, is something we as a society are very susceptible to these days with all the information available to remind us of what all can go wrong in the world. What all we stand to loose, suffer, etc.

Those are my random thoughts/responses. Thanks for sharing (found you off Rage Against the Minivan btw)