If I do something bad, will you still love me?

Nearly every day I drive my car past a sign that announces a watershed up the road. I say the word out loud all the time. Watershed. It is a word that I want to harness. I want to own. I think about marked points across time and space. I think about Judeo-Christian mythology and the fall of Eden. I think about wars and love and the way people turn on a dime and walk into the forest of regret. Watershed.

And I think about Adam and Eve and how they were probably like, "Oh, Shit."

I would have probably eaten the apples too. The tree of knowledge would have shined in the pouring sun and we all know that I have impulse control issues. We are the apple eaters.

I am amping myself up for seeing my southern Baptist grandfather at Christmas. I have to face my fears when I am near him. You know the opening scenes of that vampire show? Sookie? True Blood. Well, it's kinda like that. Freaky but you can't stop looking. I have stood and watched my grandpa sooth the sinners and push their heads down deep in the rivers of Ohio and West Virginia. The people would pop up and transition to another person. Dividing lines and all that. And the brimstone always scared me. I have never wanted to burn but I have always felt the flames. But he loves me. Our blood whispers the same words. We look past each other now and see the good bits that hang out in the greener grass. He bows his head when I walk out of his doorway. He prays for my soul and I try and memorize the way I felt when I was six years old and he bought me toys and cotton candy and church was dresses of lace and music that sounded sweet. I would run to him and his arms were open like Jesus.

And in 1984 I was so afraid of the movie Firestarter. When I was ten years old I thought I may have Pyrokinesis and I was always worried about staring at people. I was in the midway at the Ohio State Fair with a pink feather roach clip in my bangs and some carnie shouted at me to come over. I broke from my mother and ran towards the seedy parts of life, the places that have always sucked me in. He told me to smile. He grinned like a drunk. And fire was in his palm for a second. For a flash. I cried and sucked on my long blonde braid tip. 

We can rock back and forth on the floor late at night when everyone goes to bed and wonder when things are going to happen for us. Sometimes things change. We have read all the stories of other people. Sometimes people change. Everyone gets a watershed. Whether they want it or not. And we all fall down.

Comments

[Laurie]

You know I'm there. We are the apple eaters.

I always tell you it's really, really good, but this is exceptionally really, really good. Much love westward.

[Sarah]

I love this. All of it.

[Hilarity in Shoes]

I want to read a whole novel that starts like this. Please write it.

[Stacy]

This: Our blood whispers the same words.
Is too beautiful and conjures so many images for me, of my family, my mother, the countryside, West Virginia hollers....
Thank you for this gorgeous post, your gorgeous soul.

[Adventures In Babywearing]

I kinda was hoping you'd tell me what you were going to do bad. I often wonder if people really knew about me and the things I did and still do- would they still love me or look at me differently forever?

Steph

[Maryanne]

Whenever I allow myself to think about the apples I have eaten, I was often searching for love. Hopefully feeling love from others (and myself) will keep more apple eating impulses in check. Knowing the why I've done it gives me a perspective of why others might do things as well.

[sizzle]

I love this. It makes me nod my head yes.

[Rita Arens]

I kind of had one of those today. Beautiful writing, Amy.

[Brenna]

So much yes. All the fires in my watershed have brought me home, just another apple eater now...

[Violetsouffle]

Beautiful. Your writing reminds me of the cracker jack box. Or maybe it's that you are the cracker jacks-sweet&crispy with a hidden treasure of eloquence, too.

[Ann]

Woosh.

That was what your words did and what Drew Barrymore's hair did too.

[tracey]

I nearly bought a feather on a roach clip for my daughter for Christmas until I remembered the 80's and couldn't believe I was holding something with the word "roach" in it.

I AM an apple eater. But I sometimes manage to walk past a few of them.

[Brittany {Mommmy Words}]

This is beautiful Amy. "Our blood whispers the same words" Wow. I know that feeling. Strange yet comforting.

And yes, I think I would have eaten the apple. My kids ask me all the time, so I have had lots of time to think about it.

[@maggiedammit]

"We are the apple eaters."

So lovely.

[Beta Dad]

Beautiful piece! You know what road sign haunts me (and make me think of West By God, in fact)? "Runaway Truck Ramp." I'll have to think about why that is.

[Jessica]

I have had too many watershed moments. As far as that apple, I'd have eaten it and likely asked for more.

[Juli]

This -- " I broke from my mother and ran towards the seedy parts of life, the places that have always sucked me in."

Yes. Me too.

[anymommy]

This is so visceral. I felt it deeply.

[schmutzie]

I have read this several times. And I'm here again.

[Online Flyer Printing]

You're funny. Were you scared that you would put people on fire when you look at them?

[Daisy Ford]

I love your blog.. very nice colors & theme. Did you design this website yourself or did you hire someone to do it for you? Plz respond as I’m looking to design my own blog and would like to know where u got this from. appreciate it.
http://www.jointhealthmagazine.com/litozin.html